HELLO! from a very snowy, beautiful day in Kansas City. It's the kind of weather that makes you long for warm chai and blanket forts and long sits by the window, watching the people brave enough for single-digit weather.
I’m trying to enjoy the shorter days of winter while keeping one eye on the long, sunny days just ahead.
DESPITE EVERYTHING, A GOOD WORD
“I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.”
The above statement was not made about our current national state (even though wildly applicable), the speaker was referencing our reactions to people and circumstances in our own personal lives.
Perhaps you also have difficulty allowing the simplest of concepts to truly sink into regular practice in your life. It sounds so simple when someone says it out loud, but it’s a very different thing to claim actual application in my every day existence. Here is something I have been practicing lately - similar to a gym exercise for my body, but for my mind and spirit instead. (Maybe we should all have ‘leg day’, ‘arm day’, and ‘spirit day’.)
Here it is:
Someone else’s response to a situation…is not my responsibility.
I know, I know! - we’ve heard it a zillion times on motivational posters and in woo woo speeches. But at almost 60 years old, I am finally beginning to understand all the aspects of this life-altering concept.
I grew up in a house with a lot of personality and some big feelings. I then married a man with all of the above too. The result is that I have become a person with VERY guarded emotions. I am an empath at heart. I feel badly for the mom in the grocery store with the crying baby and want to ask if I could just walk around with the child for awhile so mom can shop in peace. I feel sad for politician’s families that have to endure the bad press thrown at their husbands. Essentially, I project what my feelings might be in a given situation and imagine the other person feeling the same way. I take on the feelings of others.
I don’t know how I actually come across to other people, but in general I am solid. Stoic. Somewhat removed. In control. The event coordinator with the low alto voice. Commanding. But none of those things represent what is actually happening inside me because in truth, I am trying to manage my own feelings and reactions while also trying to predict what yours might be so I can simultaneously comfort your reactions or feelings as well. I am handling my emotions while also ‘handling’ your emotions. And if you’re a person with big emotions, I am going to guard and detach and “self-protect” as much as I possibly can. I feel it happening as it’s happening. Trying to protect myself from your potential feelings is another way of me attempting to control the circumstance from within and without.
{whew - many years of self-work is wrapped up in the above paragraph! A lot of work and a second marriage to a much easier-going guy.}
I am learning to look at situations fully, but carving out what part of the situation is mine to manage. How will this person or situation make me feel? How can I best navigate those feelings? Are boundaries needed and at what point? AND, how will I know when I’m beginning to step outside my own responsibility to incorrectly orchestrate the feelings of others?
What if they handle the situation badly? Not my deal. What if they overreact? Not my ownership. What if they hold a grudge or gossip unfairly or feel ill-will toward me? That is not my part to control.
Anne Lamott says that just like taking a coat off the rack, we should let ourselves off the hook occasionally. In the matter of managing everyone’s emotions - fire yourself from that job! Discussing a situation is reasonable. But juggling the emotional aftermath is each individual’s job. Work on your own work and let others work - or not work - on theirs.
I am attempting to reassure you that the thing you’ve been stressing about might not be yours to worry over. Maybe you can set it down gently on some random street corner and walk away. You’ll probably walk slowly at first and maybe turn around a few times to look at it, but then you need to start picking up speed. Maybe throw in a little jog to add distance quickly. Put distance between you and someone else’s feelings/burden/situation/pain. You’re being brave enough just working on your own stuff; you’re not being heroic by attempting to fix their stuff as well.
May you be brave. Be confident. Be released.
BOOKS I’M READING + MEDIA CONSUMED
60/60/60: Sixty Books Over Sixty Years Old in the Year I Turn 60:
1984, by George Orwell (1949)
Our Nig:Sketches from the Life of a Free Black, by Harriet E. Wilson (1859)
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain (1884)
Stoner, by John Williams (1965)
The Red Pony, by John Steinbeck (1933)
I finished three Over 60 Classics books this week.
Last year I read James, by Percival Everett and thoroughly enjoyed it. Written in 2024, it concentrates on the life of Big Jim from the Huck Finn classic. I appreciate reading current writing on familiar classics. I tend to read the most recent book which sends me running back to the classic to read or refresh. It happened after reading one of my favorite books Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver last year - a retelling of the classic, David Copperfield by Charles Dickens.
After reading James last year I knew I wanted to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I love a coming-of-age novel and was deeply attached to the book. Adventures of Huck Finn will tickle your adventurous, childlike side.
I also finished Stoner by John Williams. This book title has crossed my path numerous times in the last few years with rave reviews. Written in 1965, the main character of this fiction, William Stoner, was born at the end of the 1800’s in a Missouri farming town. He beats the odds and eventually goes to college, becoming an English professor at the University of Missouri.
But Stoner’s life is ordinary and depressing. Estranged from his parents and eventually his wife and child. A new love interest ends in scandal. A career that never quite lives up to his expectations. The whole book reminded me of the same feeling I had reading Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. I would love to have a deep literary reaction to Stoner (which is a widely acclaimed classic), but honestly, I was barreling my way through it and was relieved when I finished living in the midst of this man’s woeful life. It was rather overwhelming to read so unfortunately, my personal recommendation is equally low.
Have you read Stoner? What do I need to think differently about it?
The Red Pony by John Steinbeck
A typical Steinbeck classic that using words and creating mood, places the reader directly into the place, the story, and bonding deeply with the characters. Reading most of Steinbeck’s books is like revisiting Salinas Valley for every reader. Has there been a writer who has more adequately defined that area in California?
YOUTUBE
Are you a YouTube viewer? I am from the generation of YouTubers that use it to figure out how to replace a carburetor in their car or how to fix a washing machine barrel. Rarely do I think of YouTube in the form of entertainment (surely a generational attribute.) I went through my YouTube feed this week and followed some accounts of interest (plants, books, fashion, art, skincare, etc) and unfollowed long-ago subjects that no longer interest me. It was a nice techie thing to clean up, declutter, and rearrange neatly for 2025 Greta.
TV
Like so many of you around the country, I have been blissfully rewatching The West Wing and Madam Secretary. It is an ideal governmental scenario but there are some difficult scenes, aren’t there? There are times when an involuntary “Ugh!” comes creeping out when I think of our country today versus the ideal these tv series protray. But it’s nice to get lost in the budding relationship between Danny and CJ or making world decisions with Elizabeth McCord. It’s a favorite escape from reality around our house these days.
ON MY DESK
We woke up one morning this week and Scott excitedly asked, “Wanna go to Mildred’s for breakfast?” That’s always an immediate YES from me! Mildred’s is a local restaurant with a location near us. During nice weather we ride the streetcar there but not with the weather in Kansas City this time of year! They serve steamed eggs which instinct tells me I don’t really want to know how they’re cooked or what they look like but they taste delicious. I bought some stickers from their merch table then cut apart their kraft paper bags and branding to make a two-page spread in my junk journal. It will be a nice reminder of one of our favorite downtown breakfast spots.
Today’s special: YES IT IS
OFF MY PHOTO ROLL THIS WEEK
Our sweet grandson, Felix, was sick this week. That’s bad, right? It should be bad. I should feel awful about it. But…we got to take care of him during the day and take him to his pediatrician for an antibiotic. Bad for Felix. A bit of heaven for us.
The hands. The face. The swirling red hair. I want to eat it all up and feel so very lucky to live near enough to help out in these situations.
Our kids came over for Sunday brunch to catch up on all the lifey things. The noise and the dog jumping all around and keeping Felix away from sharp edges (and from eating my monstera!) was like pouring pure honey over my heart. After they leave (we have a monthly brunch), I straighten things up and Scott runs a few loads of dishes and everything in the loft is back to normal. But having baby bottles drying on the countertop as I head to bed brings a sense of soothing calm. Life is as it should be at this very moment. Despite everything, life is exactly as it should be when you notice the ever-so-seemingly-normal signs of love.
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